[Marley]

[protectNserve]

I could be wrong, but it seems that you have something very powerful left. It's called hope and you're using it to come back to what you love.

[Marley]

protectNserve, I might be too close to be objective, but I think what I have is desperation.

I've got two possible ways back in that I know of. I'm working on one right now, the other won't exist until late summer.

If I fail at those then I have no idea what to do next. I'm 39, grossly out of shape (probably not bad for the average American, but a year of sitting at a desk feeling depressed has taken me way below the level where I could pass the CPAT,) and there's nothing else I want to do.

Yep, sounds desperate to me.
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Marley
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Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it up. --Henry Ford

[protectNserve]

Hi Marley,

Do you think it might help you if you got back to working out? Maybe you need to do this for the sake of feeling prepared and for your mental health (it helps me for sure!). I know it's hard to get motivated when you're feeling low...hard to get up to potty sometimes! But there has to be a first step towards renewal and, from what you've eluded to, this seems like it could be the right one for you.

Do you have a degree Marley? If not are you open to obtaining one? Maybe in fire science? This type of degree could open doors for you that you may not have known existed. IF you can't get back into firefighting then finding a way to stay near what you love could make a huge difference in your daily happiness and outlook on life. This is not empty advice as I have also been forced to leave a career that I loved (am told my eyes still lilght up when I reminise) and was DEVASTATED by it. When it happenned I felt as if my life was over...it was all I knew how to do and all I cared to do. But, when I had to let it go, I still had to make both a life and some joy for myself.

If you want more details on my woe I will share but my issue really isn't the point here. The point is that sometimes we're forced into situations that we find crushing; but, it's up to us to (pls forgive the cliche) "make lemonade out of the lemons".

If you'd like some help doing research I'll make the time for it. A bright future without actually ffing may not be clear to you now, but finding out the options of staying near it may help lighten your load a little bit.

[Marley]

[protectNserve]

Hi Marley,

I'm so glad to know that you're working out! From what you wrote it seems that you're focused and hopeful...both very positive!!! I don't know everything that happened to you within or outside of the firehouse but, if you're wiling to share, I'm interested in knowing.

My career started at the age of 17 when I dropped out of high school and joined the Army Reserves (turned 18 in basic training). They trained me as a combat medic, allowed me to finish my GED and gave me the chance to get my EMT license, which I did. Once home I got a job at the major trauma hospital within a three state radius of my hometown. I worked in the emergency room doing everything from patient transport to assiting with CPR and gunshot wounds...was an amazing experience. While I worked in the ER I also did phlebotomy at another local hospital, and moonlighted at yet another helping deliver babies. After a few years I was promoted into the OR from the ER. I became a surgical tech and loved it. It was the best of all the worlds I'd worked in because it had the technical and the trauma...i had never been happier at a job and was planning on going to nursing school. It seemed like the logical next step. Then the unexpected happened, I became topically allergic to latex.

When i was diagnosed they told me I might have to consider another career. I thought the docs were crazy. Back then latex allergies were very rarely seen or discussed so it seemd an alarmist stance for them to take. I changed all of my PPE to non-latex equipment and continued to work. After a few months my allergy medicine had to be changed, then again the next month, and for approximately another 3 months after that. But I just kept getting sicker and nothing was helping. The allegry had progressed into the systemic type, the sort that causes deadly reactions, but i wanted to keep trying different meds so they kept me in. The final straw came when I was scrubbed on an open heart case and almost passed out. When they removed my mask they found that I'd been taping tissues under my eyes and nose to catch the flow (STUPID!). Needless to say they wouldn't let me go back to work without being cleared by a doc. No one would clear me...it was too dangerous for me. Everything I'd worked for since I'd left high school (it's own drama) was lost. Even my military career was dead (couldn't wear a gas mask so I couldn't be retrained). Talk about being devastated? I was crushed. I had no choice but to walk away from something that I loved...there weren't any options for me. To be honest, it still bothers me today even though I've made my own tall glass of very sweet lemonade.

So there's one of my sad stories. Sometimes life seems so unfair but there is almost always a silver lining. We just have to find it. Gosh, writing all of that, after 3 hours of extrication drills, was exhausting. I hope I didn't bore you to death and look forward to hearing if you're ready to share.

PnS

[Marley]

Hi protectNserve,

I won't bore you or anyone else with the details of what happened to me. It's enough to say I almost wish it had been something like an allergy. At least that way I wouldn't be able to look back and say "How could I have not seen that coming?"

It's even worse when I know the answer is "Because I didn't want to see it." Especially when you don't want to see it in the people you're supposed to be able to trust with your life.

An allergy is not your fault. Allowing yourself to be blindsided by people you never should have trusted in the first place most certainly is.

But how the hell do you do this job without trust?

Funny thing, I always thought that one of the wonderful things about wildland firefighting was that I didn't see trauma. The only injuries I'd ever have to face would be my own or other firefighters'. We weren't dispatched to medical calls--that was the job of the local structural departments.

I feel too much sympathy for the patient. Makes me soft in the head, I guess.
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Marley
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Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it up. --Henry Ford

[ltmalinski]

I wanted to check with you and see how you are doing, Marley.
I am going through some crap at my station, too, and it has gotten to the point of filing a complaint with the EEOC. I can't say it made me feel better, in reality it made me sad. Let us know how things are going with you, sister.
Jenn

[Marley]

ltmalinski,

I can't imagine what you're going through right now. It's got to be bad to have to go to the EEOC, and just filing with them has got to be a difficult thing to do.

What you have to do now is surround yourself with as much support as possible. You've got it from me, 110%. I'd be surprised if you got less than that from anyone else here. You need it at home and, as much as possible, at work, too.

Whatever you do at work, do not apologize. Don't explain more than you have to, and do not apologize for filing, or for anything else. Your friends don't want an apology, and your enemies will use it against you. And watch your back, and have your friends watch you, too. Accidents happen on this job. I'd hate to see one happen to you.

If you want to talk about what happened, you can post here or email my user name at humbug.org.

As for me, I'm not doing well. Depression is winning this battle. If I could do it all over again, things would be very different.
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Marley
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Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it up. --Henry Ford

[ltmalinski]

Depression is a nasty beast, don't let it get you. THEY are not worth giving yourself up.

Would you change things? You escaped something that was diminishing what you were. Since you left, the diminishment seems to have continued. Believing in what you did is imperative. You left because the situation was too much for your sanity, there is no shame in that. You didn't create the situation. It is not your fault.

As for apologies, I only do that when I make a mistake. This time the mistake was theirs. They thought they could get away with some extremely unethical behaviors, I didn't agree. It's about doing the right thing, but yes, it is a little freaky.

[Rakohi]

Where you get it???
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How To Succeed

[Sam Juk]

oh really?
valium | mylan 345 valium | valium and alcohol | valium dosage for dog | valium dose
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